When Sexuality Breaks You Open

When my marriage came apart, everything I thought I knew about being a man crumbled. From the perspective of where I am now, I knew little. In this story, I want to talk about sexuality and how it has evolved for me. My wife had chosen to be in a sexual relationship with another man. Even though we were sexually active in our relationship, she had fallen in love with another man. Over the previous 6 months, I was unaware of the double act. When this truth became fully known, it brought me down to my knees, and my world imploded. Betrayal, disappointment, anger, sadness and much more flowed through me whilst I was lost in my own destruction.

From a sense of failure, as a husband and as a man, my heart was broken. I tried to quickly fix the problem, like putting a plaster on a cracked dam; there was no way to hold it back anymore. The more I tried to regain her as my wife, the more my masculinity crumbled at the realisation of the gaping wound. I was no longer a strong, attractive and protective lover; I was the wounded, needy boy. There was no masculinity to assert, there was no eros, I was done! I had lost her to another man!

There was one particular moment which I further wish to share, a discussion where I was arguing for her not to be with him, not to be having sex with him. She said something very important which shifted my previously flawed beliefs on sexuality and marriage (partnership): "You don't own my sexuality". Putting aside the ethical and moral implications, I just want to speak about the sexual thread. We want two independent beings to share a space of trust, honesty, intimacy, sexuality, vulnerability and love. This is a healthy context that expresses freedom, flow, openness, creativity, play, and joy. So when we start to control, oppress, dominate, deny and own sexuality, we are definitely not in a healthy space. 

For a time, we tried to navigate an open relationship, experimenting with polyamory and the idea that our partnership could expand to include other lovers. Surprisingly or not, I discovered an entire world of people creating life structures that hold marriage, parenting, and love while separately exploring sexual connection with others. But after months of trying, something in me could not settle. It didn't land in my truth. My values and my vision for partnership were calling me in a different direction.

This crisis pushed me into a deep inquiry into masculinity and sexuality, and that's when I found the brilliant work of David Deida.

Deida's teachings on erotic polarity and the dynamics of attraction were instrumental. He writes, "Sexual attraction requires an energetic difference." For there to be sexual attraction, one needs to be holding a quality of masculinity and the other femininity, regardless of gender. If both partners are in their masculinity, there's no spark. If both are in their femininity, the energy collapses.

Deida describes the masculine essence as stillness, direction, depth, consciousness, and the feminine as flow, radiance, emotion, movement, and life-force. Sexuality is the dance between these poles.

David Deida and Ananda Sarita opened another set of doors for me:

Sexuality as a spiritual path.

Sex is not merely a physical act or emotional connection; it is a doorway into divine consciousness. The masculine awakens through surrendering into presence. The feminine awakens through surrendering into love and expression. And through erotic union, both can taste the infinite.

Sex becomes a meditation, a devotional ritual, a dissolution of ego, an energetic prayer. Pleasure becomes secondary. Depth becomes primary.

Furthermore, Deida's teachings insist that sexual polarity requires authenticity, not performance. It's not about penetration and ejaculation. A man does not become masculine by pretending to be dominant, nor does a woman become feminine by acting sweet or soft. True sexual magnetism comes from embodied truth, from the courage to show up fully as who we are. I had not felt this; I was not able to show up. I was carrying wounds and insecurities that would take me some years to resolve through my path of healing and maturity. I needed to do my inner work, to look at my shadows (I have written about this in another post).

In this journey, I also discovered the sacred teachings of Ananda Sarita, whose lineage comes directly from Osho and classical Tantra. Her view expanded everything deeper. While Deida speaks of masculine and feminine polarity, Sarita speaks of Shiva and Shakti — consciousness and energy, witness and flow. She teaches that sacred sexuality must include three dimensions: the physical body, the emotional heart, and the spiritual consciousness.

Her approach brought me into a deeply somatic understanding of sexuality: breath, nervous system, de-armouring, the opening of the heart, the circulation of energy throughout the body, the merging of sexual alchemy with meditation. She teaches that true intimacy requires emotional safety, trust, presence, and the ability to open the heart through vulnerability.

Through her lens, I understood that a sexual relationship is not just about chemistry or pleasure; it is about healing. The body stores wounds from childhood, previous partners, societal conditioning, and ancestral lines. Sacred sexuality brings them to the surface and offers an opportunity for transformation.

In the relationships I had before meeting my now wife, I saw this firsthand. Women healing fear of masculine control. Men healing fear of feminine chaos. Trust rebuilding itself slowly, gently, cautiously. Shame around desire dissolving. Pleasure in becoming innocent again.

Sarita teaches that when Shiva and Shakti truly meet, they become one energy, a field of consciousness and love where both partners expand beyond themselves.

Between Deida's teachings on polarity and Sarita's teachings on sacred sexuality, I began to reclaim my own inner masculinity and femininity. I began to understand sexuality not as something I needed to prove or perform, not as something that validated me, not as something to control, own, or fear, but as something sacred, creative, profound, spiritual.

This journey took me through the deepest parts of myself, my wounds, my shadows, my shame, my longing and led me toward a more integrated, sovereign understanding of what sexuality truly is.

And that is where I stand now: still learning, still exploring, still opening.

But coming from a place that feels whole, authentic, and aligned with my truth.